5/5/13

This is it. Tomorrow starts the day where I will be handling new and unfamiliar clients.

It could either be a week of disaster or a decent week at most. But one thing is for sure, it won't be pretty. Tomorrow also marks my 3rd month with the company and will match the length of my stay at my previous job at a printing company. Come to think of it, similarities between the two jobs is starting to show up. In terms of workload, both are quite similar. In terms of my colleagues, they're also great, well at least for those people in the same level of duty and not so sure about our superiors. In terms of location, my previous one was nearer but it was an unsafe environment due to the crime rate and flooding while this current one is safer but farther to go to. 

It feels like tomorrow will be my 1st day of work again except this time, I don't have motivation to actually do my job unlike when I started 3 months ago. I feel like I'm just a dumping ground. When they give me good clients to work with, they give it to me in huge doses and when they give me the huge clients, it even comes in twice the amount of work load and hours.

I was already feeling satisfied with my previous roster of clients and I didn't even retain one of them. I must be doing terrible with my job and I wish they would tell me directly cause we're both wasting time. What scares me more is that the two people who have worked on these accounts have left the company and those happened within the three months that I have been with them. I can't help to think that I'm next.

I've been browsing on my friends/batchmates' profiles and it seems like all of them have moved on with their lives and living a good one while at it while I;m stuck in this plateau where I can't go any further with my life even though I'm employed and probably in a better position that where I was last year. I seem to lose the drive to work harder but I don't want to lose my job

Recently, I've been experiencing some things that are quite strange with my body. Aside from excessive sweating, I've been finding it more difficult to breathe and I'm having excessive blinking just because of it. Sometimes, I think my heart is beating in a rapid pace.

I've tried to search if these are symptoms of any condition and all I could diagnose myself is having either an anxiety disorder or a panic disorder. I'm no doctor but I'm not surprised if I really have either one of them. I've seen this coming all along and I'm just afraid to accept it.

I've always been afraid of rejections and I tend to exaggerate certain situations. Even some of the people I know have noticed my behavior of going into panic mode very early, to the point that my task is not yet even given to me.

The arrival of my new clients just sealed the deal and triggered it. I don't know how I can cope with it. I've been having difficulty sleeping and I don't react well to stress. I need someone to talk to but I don't think there's a venue for that.

However, I'm not sure if I reveal it to anyone as of the moment aside from this blog which nobody reads anyway so it doesn't count.  I haven't told anyone about my back problems and this will just make it worse. I've pretty much been labeled as many negative things you can think of so I don't really care anymore how many adjectives they throw at me. As long as I don't get terminated or at least tell me if I need to let go of the job, then I'm fine.

I better get used to late night and having a terrible nights of sleep(or lack of it) in the coming months.